I haven’t blogged much over the past several months. Oh a tidbit here and there but nothing of any personal matter or anything of great substance. This is partly because while I have so much to share I haven’t really processed my thoughts in any comprehendable manner. And I still haven’t as it’s sometimes difficult to articulate my thoughts and feelings. My brain is mush.

Today seemed to be a good day to share something with you but let me be real honest. I’m not looking for an answer/s nor any advice. Not looking for pearls of wisdom or anything that might put my heart at rest. All I ask is that you pull up a chair and listen. Just be my friend and listen to the words that come from my heart. If you feel you must respond, well, o.k. but just know that I’m just sensing the need to vent. Genuinely listening sometimes has more merit than words. Epinoia is and has been a place where some of my needs have been met - probably because there are people on the other end who truly care. This is why I post here.

As some of you know I have been struggling with my job as pastor of an institutional church. There are a variety of reasons for this struggle but lately it has intensified. It feel as though I am in the fire and someone has turned up the heat. The seniors don’t like change. The few young people don’t feel as though they are being fed. I am criticized, not to my face but worse yet, behind my back. Church finances are in crisis. And yet, I must say that I cannot remember a time in my life when I’ve been more in love with Jesus! I mean, I could go on and on about how God continues to show Himself to me and bless me. But I am human and I do have feelings and lately they are getting crushed again and again.

I sense hope one day and hopelessness the next. I see the light one week and the next it couldn’t be darker. I go home occasionally refreshed and revived and yet there are days I feel like an old man ready for retirement. There are days I can’t imagine doing any other kind of work and yet there are times when I can’t believe I heeded God’s calling into ministry - as though God was being entertained by my life sucking so. I confessed to a friend yesterday that I might be dealing with depression. I couldn’t believe I was saying that. He asked me if I thought the depression was coming from anger or fear. I didn’t know. Maybe both? Maybe I am angry at people for being so selfish and rude and unChristlike. And maybe I fear the future. When I’m done at this present pastorate I have no interest of doing it elsewhere!

I’m reading a book that is blessing me. It’s Brian McLaren’s Church on the Other Side: exploring the radical future of the local congregation.
The reason this book resonates with me is because it discusses the importance of redefining our mission, discovering fresh ways to communicate the gospel in today’s culture. It talks about rethinking approaches to ministry. It’s radical and maybe that’s what I’m drawn to. But for me, he makes sense.
Here’s the reason today is a good day for me to blog. In chapter 9 Saving Our Leaders he says something that made me cry. I had to share it with Joan it impacted me so.

He’s talking about the need for Christian communities to reshape their expectations of pastor’s and other leaders, so that leadership becomes less corrosive to a leader’s spirit or family life.

I am not alone in feeling that the pastorate can be one of the cruelest places on earth. In “The 21st Century Pastor,” David Fisher says, “Being a pastor today is more difficult than anytime in memory…Greg Asimakoupoulous began a review of two books on the pastoral crisis in Leadership magazine with these words: “Warning: the list of endangered species is growing. To bald eagles, koalas, and spotted owls, add another: ordained pastors energized by what they do.”
He goes on to claim that the majority of American ministers are suffering from burnout…A friend…”surrendered his credentials because, in his words, ‘I can’t take the pounding anymore’” Why is it that so many of us begin with such high hopes and dreams and end up tired and discouraged?

McLaren quotes Archibald Hart It’s impossible for anyone who has never been a minister to understand the loneliness, despair, and emotional pain that a large number of ministers must bear. Not a few leave the ministry altogether because of the debilitation of depression. Others exist in their pastorates in an unhappy, dissatisfied, and disillusioned state rather than leave their churches or change vocations.

I guess this is the stuff they fail to mention in seminary, at least the one I attended. Oh they talked burnout and family time, etc. but no one warned me about the experiences I’m enduring. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not complaining. I’m not playing the victim card either. I know God’s got something in mind in all of this. What? I don’t know.

I talked to another friend just this morning. She was talking about her pastor (49 years old) who recently had a heart attack and had two stints placed in the arteries. I asked why she thought such a young man could have a heart attack. Her response was his diet and stress. We then talked about the stresses in ministry. (By the way, I am presently on 2 blood pressure meds to keep my BP at a normal level.)
Is this a part of God’s plan? Did He ever intend that ministry could get so bogged down that health concerns become a part of the equation? Why have we made church life so complicated? No wonder people stand at arms length to the institutional church.

Hey, all in all life is good. I have a better understanding of who I am. And I continue to get better glimpses of who God is. Thanks so much for taking the time to read (listen). Thanks for giving me a platform to blow off some steam. Sometimes I just need to be heard. And now it’s time to get back to work. No, you know what, I’m going to play some golf! Yep. It’s a good day to tee it up, enjoy some conversation with God and perhaps they’ll throw me in with some other people. I guess if I had most any other job I couldn’t just blow it off and go play golf. But then, that is part of my job. Making connections with people. This must be one of those invigorating, hopeful days. God, I love you!